Today is Saturday. It’s been several days since I’ve seen Derek. Since Wednesday night actually. And I’m surviving! I can’t lie, I really miss him, a lot.
I’m excited because I have two job interviews on Tuesday and I am anxious for them as well.
I’m really scared though, because I’m living in the ‘what it’ mind set…
WHAT IF… I get these jobs, either both or only one, doesn’t matter… And he doesn’t take me back?
WHAT IF… I get these jobs and when he comes back for me, I’ve moved on?
WHAT IF… While I’m working on me, he hooks up with some other girl and falls for her, or knocks her up or what have you…
WHAT IF… What if I’m scared, I’m afraid, I’m hurt and unsure?
I feel like no matter what happens, it will be the wrong thing. I know he has friends that would prefer us not getting back together. I know that people have bad impressions of me because they have caught me on bad day or whatever. But quite honestly I think I am an amazing catch. Sure, I’m not some size 5 sexy lil thing- I’m a real woman who has left over baby fat and is slightly overweight. Whoopdeedo. I sit here and love this man sooooo much, do any and everything I can for him. I might not be the best person in the world but I try damn hard to be the best person for him.
I love this man sooooooo much and I feel that no one is rooting for us to work things out.
When I was 14, I imagined what it would be like one day, to be married and have kids, etc. I NEVER could imagine myself in a house wife role- making coffee for my hubby in the morning, packing lunches for the kids, making sure the house was picked up, etc. Hell, when I was 24 I STILL couldn’t imagine this at all. I figured I would never be married, I would never have this role. I couldn’t picture it at all. I couldn’t even fathom bending over backwards to make sure another adult was properly taken care of, that they had everything they needed to get through the day.
In walks Derek a few weeks before my 25th birthday. And within 4 months, I was living this life I had never been able to imagine. The things I never thought I could handle doing, I did for him. Laundry, dishes, meals, coffee, etc. All for him.
The last week without doing this, I have felt crazy lost and ill at ease. I should be there, folding his clothes and making sure he has smokes. I should be rubbing his shoulders and making him dinner/snacks. I know he can do these things on his own, but after he’s worked 10 hours and feels like shit because of his allergies, it’s a comfort to have help. I miss being able to do these things. I’m sure he hasn’t been eating well, and I hate not making dinner for him. I know he hasn’t been sleeping well- he told me himself- and quite frankly I have been tossing and turning too.
I just keep praying for the ability to make it through this rough patch. If I cast my anxieties upon the Lord, He will help me through and help me succeed. I just wish it wasn’t so much work to make it through- although anything worth having doesn’t come easily.
I love you Derek. You are my everything. Sweet dreams baby, feel better. ❤