My last post was Tuesday night after Derek came over and had dinner with us. Now it is Friday afternoon and so I must catch up with my thoughts…
Wednesday, after I was done watching Konnor, Derek picked me up to take me to Madison to pay my cell. I wrote the following on the iPhone while he was driving:
“It kills me to not be able to lean over and touch him or kiss his cheek whiles he’s driving. These silences that were once so east to fill now feel so long and I hate that. I miss having my man in my life, I miss having him. I don’t even care about the sex- although I’ve never had it anything like he gives it- I just miss him and all the stuff we do and have done…. I’m super aware of every little touch, of the feeling of his arm against mine as he’s shifting the car. Or like his hands were full and so he had me hand feed him some sour gummy worms. My fingers, that close to his lips, was devastation. I wish he knew how it tears me up inside. I feel like I’m in knots… It kills me to try to make long term plans because I don’t know anything anymore. I used to have long term plans- a wedding, a couple Derek JR’s, love happiness… Now, I’m floating. I have no plans, no destination…”
We went to the mall where I took care of my cell bill. That taken care of, we walked around a little bit. We wound up at Spencer’s and by then I couldn’t hold back my tears and pain so I excused myself to the bathroom. When I came back, I noticed an employee totally flirting with him. He seemed ready to go so we headed out. He told me the employee wouldn’t leave him alone so he told her he was waiting for his girlfriend to come back from the bathroom. (Cue, me). He says he didn’t even think about it, that it just came out that way. Just what I needed to hear, talk about adding insult to injury. We left the mall shortly afterwards. While we were still there, I tried to explain to him how I was having trouble deciphering the lines between us. It’s really hard for me to see them, because at some points it seems/feels like we are back together and at other times I feel like there is an ocean separating us. I don’t know if he understood what I was trying to say tho…
We got back to town, and he said he was still going to come over to play WiiU since we hadn’t gotten the chance to the night before. We got back to mom’s around 845/9PM. He came in and finished setting the system up while I made him some leftover lasagna. We played a few circuits on Mario Kart 8. In between races, he was messaging someone and I assumed it was *A*, but instead it was a way-long-ago-ex of his. Honestly, I found that to be pretty upsetting. I’m not sitting here messaging other ppl, trying to hang out with other guys or anything like that. I’m working on finding a job, looking for an apartment, and trying to get things back together with Derek. That’s my goal, point blank. I want my boyfriend back, I want my life back. I want US back dammit, is that so much to ask?
Anyways, he left around 10 or so. Before he left, I went to the bathroom and once again cried for like 10 minutes. He waited for me outside the bathroom door. After I was done, we walked downstairs so he could have a smoke. I started crying again down there. I just couldn’t seem to help it. He was talking to me but then couldn’t keep his own tears under control and we wound up crying together. He said he misses coming home and having Liz go all crazy because he was finally home, and that he missed all the little things I did for him- laundry and snacks and stupid things- and that he missed coming home to me the most. If he only knew how true this was for me too!
We heard a train and went and made wishes on change and put them on the tracks. He then insisted that he really had to go so he could get some sleep since he still wasn’t feeling good. He told me he loves me too though and that’s a good thing, right?
Well, yesterday was Thursday and we hardly texted. I was really down most of the day- I don’t know if the Zoloft is working so well for me now- and it was killing me not to get to talk/text/fb him. At some point, I realized that it had been the longest time I had gone without seeing him since he was in jail 2/13/13…. And I still haven’t seen him since he left here Wednesday night. (So about 42 hours). It’s killing me.
Anyways. I went for a walk and Katie kidnapped me and I really enjoyed that time away. She makes me laugh and reminds me that she’s been through worse and made it so it is totally realistic that I will make it through all of this too. I texted Derek goodnight when I went to bed at midnight, but like I said, we weren’t really texting. I sent 32 messages and only got 10 in return. And yes, I just counted. I’m weird, leave me alone. I used to count our kisses in the beginning of our relationship, although I have no idea why.
Today I skipped my typical good morning text. I didn’t want to bother him. I feel like I’m constantly bothering him. 6 messages sent but only 1 received. Although he did call me earlier which was cool. It was only a few minute convo- probably not more than 5- but still he called me. But I am a girl so I am probably reading too much into it.
I miss my Derek. I miss ‘us’. I love him, I have from the first kiss in the hot tub at Mt Olympus on 5-23-12, at like 730ish at night. I can’t help it. He has meant the world to me for the last 755 days. I can’t stop thinking about him, missing him, loving him, dreaming about him. He is on my mind every minute of every day. I am working hard on making these changes he wants, changes that scare the shit out of me thanks to my anxiety, and I’m still trying to figure out if he will take me back. Yes, he says he will, but I am so scared that he won’t. That I might make myself sicker by making these changes and that nothing will even come of it. I’m so scared I will lose him to some stupid chick with no waist and back dimples and long hair whose book and car smart and that everyone loves to be around.
Why do I have to be such a mess? Why can’t I just be a normal person like everyone else?
Oh and I probably won’t get to see him all weekend either. Today is Friday and in a little bit I’m headed to Nordy’s to watch Konnor while she and John go out. Tomorrow is Saturday and apparently the entire Hightower clan is headed up to Mirror Lake again, including Derek. Sunday is Father’s day and I know Lizzi wants to see Daddy Derek. But she is also obligated to a few hours with Burger’s family- something I agreed to a month ago when things were still perfect It didn’t stop me from getting a card for Derek from Liz- she is still calling him daddy after all- but now I don’t know if we will even get the chance to give him the card from her and the one from me.
I HATE THIS BREAK UP! I just want to scream and cry and throw things. I want my man back, my sexy gorgeous man. I need him, I miss him. Lizzi misses him too. The rats miss him. Why cant we just be back together? Why must there be conditions included??