I feel really lame right now. Derek just left and I don’t have the words to explain how I feel. 

I was so back and forth on emotions today with him coming over. I was so stressed over this ‘meetme’ app, and feeling inadequate. I wanted to cry and scream and throw a good old fashioned temper tantrum. I wanted to yell in his face, get back at him by updating my dating sites (that I haven’t touched in 5+years). I said I was going to the bar and just overall being stupid, trying to vent my emotions as they came. I was sooooo bipolar.  And I still felt the same way when he showed up. But then he was here. And for that I was grateful. 

He wasn’t even here 3 hours, yet every minute is etched in my mind for eternity. He got here shortly after 7, and I met him outside. We wound up going for a walk to Walgreens and then to Family Dollar- mom needed smokes and I needed chocolate sauce for the ice cream I bought last night. When we got back, mom was pulling the lasagna out of the oven- one of Derek’s favorite foods. We chowed on that, and then finally got to have the strawberry cheesecake I made yesterday. It was amazing- and best of all Derek loved it!

 We went outside so he could have a smoke, and that’s when it started going downhill again- *A*, who doesn’t like me and thinks Derek is better off without me, wanted to hang out with Derek since her boyfriend had other plans. I know it’s a platonic relationship so that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that even though Derek and I had plans to play WiiU after eating, he left shortly after his smoke to hang out with her. 

And yet… All these things happened that I want to share, scream from the rooftops; but yet I want to keep them to myself. Like the kiss he gave me, on the lips, on our way to Walgreens. Or how he said that he wants me to succeed, that he wants me back and misses me just as much. He told me he is scared of growing old, and that he’s scared of growing old alone. He touches my heart in so many ways. 

It kills me inside to watch the love of my life walk down the stairs and leave me. I want to be going to sleep curled up next to him, not a pillow. I want to wake up to his gorgeous smile, not empty space. I want to start my days with a kiss and an ‘I love you’, and end them that way too. 

He told me (again) to text him, but when he left his phone was at 1%. Anything I send him, he won’t see until after he gets home and plugs his phone in. This man, he has me wrapped around his fingers. I would literally do just about anything for him. He is my earth, my sun and my moon. He gives me reasons to do the stupid mundane day-in-n-out boring stuff. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself when I feel completely utterly worthless. He calms my anxiety. He cures my heartaches. He is so amazing and he doesn’t even know it.

 

I keep wishing and praying for this, but Lord please hear me again.

Help me repair what has broken, help me get past this anxiety issue

And become the hard working woman I was before. Help me earn his respect,

his love. Help me get back on track to being his girlfriend so I can become

his (official) fiancé, his wife, the future mother of his kids, the one he gets

to grow old with. I may not be your most faithful servant,

but please help. Amen.

 

 

Derek, I know I can text you and I know I can facebook you, but one day I pray you can read these blog/journal entries and understand what I am currently going through. I love you Derek. Your smile, exactly the way it is. The way your brown eyes turn green at times. The tender touch of your thumb on my hand. The amazing way you kiss me, the softness -yet firmness-of your lips. The love I can see radiating from your beautiful eyes. You drive me crazy D and you don’t even know.

 

I love you Derek, good night.

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