Today is Saturday. It’s been several days since I’ve seen Derek. Since Wednesday night actually. And I’m surviving! I can’t lie, I really miss him, a lot.
I’m excited because I have two job interviews on Tuesday and I am anxious for them as well.
I’m really scared though, because I’m living in the ‘what it’ mind set…
WHAT IF… I get these jobs, either both or only one, doesn’t matter… And he doesn’t take me back?
WHAT IF… I get these jobs and when he comes back for me, I’ve moved on?
WHAT IF… While I’m working on me, he hooks up with some other girl and falls for her, or knocks her up or what have you…
WHAT IF… What if I’m scared, I’m afraid, I’m hurt and unsure?
I feel like no matter what happens, it will be the wrong thing. I know he has friends that would prefer us not getting back together. I know that people have bad impressions of me because they have caught me on bad day or whatever. But quite honestly I think I am an amazing catch. Sure, I’m not some size 5 sexy lil thing- I’m a real woman who has left over baby fat and is slightly overweight. Whoopdeedo. I sit here and love this man sooooo much, do any and everything I can for him. I might not be the best person in the world but I try damn hard to be the best person for him.
I love this man sooooooo much and I feel that no one is rooting for us to work things out.
When I was 14, I imagined what it would be like one day, to be married and have kids, etc. I NEVER could imagine myself in a house wife role- making coffee for my hubby in the morning, packing lunches for the kids, making sure the house was picked up, etc. Hell, when I was 24 I STILL couldn’t imagine this at all. I figured I would never be married, I would never have this role. I couldn’t picture it at all. I couldn’t even fathom bending over backwards to make sure another adult was properly taken care of, that they had everything they needed to get through the day.
In walks Derek a few weeks before my 25th birthday. And within 4 months, I was living this life I had never been able to imagine. The things I never thought I could handle doing, I did for him. Laundry, dishes, meals, coffee, etc. All for him.
The last week without doing this, I have felt crazy lost and ill at ease. I should be there, folding his clothes and making sure he has smokes. I should be rubbing his shoulders and making him dinner/snacks. I know he can do these things on his own, but after he’s worked 10 hours and feels like shit because of his allergies, it’s a comfort to have help. I miss being able to do these things. I’m sure he hasn’t been eating well, and I hate not making dinner for him. I know he hasn’t been sleeping well- he told me himself- and quite frankly I have been tossing and turning too.
I just keep praying for the ability to make it through this rough patch. If I cast my anxieties upon the Lord, He will help me through and help me succeed. I just wish it wasn’t so much work to make it through- although anything worth having doesn’t come easily.
I love you Derek. You are my everything. Sweet dreams baby, feel better. ❤
My last post was Tuesday night after Derek came over and had dinner with us. Now it is Friday afternoon and so I must catch up with my thoughts…
Wednesday, after I was done watching Konnor, Derek picked me up to take me to Madison to pay my cell. I wrote the following on the iPhone while he was driving:
“It kills me to not be able to lean over and touch him or kiss his cheek whiles he’s driving. These silences that were once so east to fill now feel so long and I hate that. I miss having my man in my life, I miss having him. I don’t even care about the sex- although I’ve never had it anything like he gives it- I just miss him and all the stuff we do and have done…. I’m super aware of every little touch, of the feeling of his arm against mine as he’s shifting the car. Or like his hands were full and so he had me hand feed him some sour gummy worms. My fingers, that close to his lips, was devastation. I wish he knew how it tears me up inside. I feel like I’m in knots… It kills me to try to make long term plans because I don’t know anything anymore. I used to have long term plans- a wedding, a couple Derek JR’s, love happiness… Now, I’m floating. I have no plans, no destination…”
We went to the mall where I took care of my cell bill. That taken care of, we walked around a little bit. We wound up at Spencer’s and by then I couldn’t hold back my tears and pain so I excused myself to the bathroom. When I came back, I noticed an employee totally flirting with him. He seemed ready to go so we headed out. He told me the employee wouldn’t leave him alone so he told her he was waiting for his girlfriend to come back from the bathroom. (Cue, me). He says he didn’t even think about it, that it just came out that way. Just what I needed to hear, talk about adding insult to injury. We left the mall shortly afterwards. While we were still there, I tried to explain to him how I was having trouble deciphering the lines between us. It’s really hard for me to see them, because at some points it seems/feels like we are back together and at other times I feel like there is an ocean separating us. I don’t know if he understood what I was trying to say tho…
We got back to town, and he said he was still going to come over to play WiiU since we hadn’t gotten the chance to the night before. We got back to mom’s around 845/9PM. He came in and finished setting the system up while I made him some leftover lasagna. We played a few circuits on Mario Kart 8. In between races, he was messaging someone and I assumed it was *A*, but instead it was a way-long-ago-ex of his. Honestly, I found that to be pretty upsetting. I’m not sitting here messaging other ppl, trying to hang out with other guys or anything like that. I’m working on finding a job, looking for an apartment, and trying to get things back together with Derek. That’s my goal, point blank. I want my boyfriend back, I want my life back. I want US back dammit, is that so much to ask?
Anyways, he left around 10 or so. Before he left, I went to the bathroom and once again cried for like 10 minutes. He waited for me outside the bathroom door. After I was done, we walked downstairs so he could have a smoke. I started crying again down there. I just couldn’t seem to help it. He was talking to me but then couldn’t keep his own tears under control and we wound up crying together. He said he misses coming home and having Liz go all crazy because he was finally home, and that he missed all the little things I did for him- laundry and snacks and stupid things- and that he missed coming home to me the most. If he only knew how true this was for me too!
We heard a train and went and made wishes on change and put them on the tracks. He then insisted that he really had to go so he could get some sleep since he still wasn’t feeling good. He told me he loves me too though and that’s a good thing, right?
Well, yesterday was Thursday and we hardly texted. I was really down most of the day- I don’t know if the Zoloft is working so well for me now- and it was killing me not to get to talk/text/fb him. At some point, I realized that it had been the longest time I had gone without seeing him since he was in jail 2/13/13…. And I still haven’t seen him since he left here Wednesday night. (So about 42 hours). It’s killing me.
Anyways. I went for a walk and Katie kidnapped me and I really enjoyed that time away. She makes me laugh and reminds me that she’s been through worse and made it so it is totally realistic that I will make it through all of this too. I texted Derek goodnight when I went to bed at midnight, but like I said, we weren’t really texting. I sent 32 messages and only got 10 in return. And yes, I just counted. I’m weird, leave me alone. I used to count our kisses in the beginning of our relationship, although I have no idea why.
Today I skipped my typical good morning text. I didn’t want to bother him. I feel like I’m constantly bothering him. 6 messages sent but only 1 received. Although he did call me earlier which was cool. It was only a few minute convo- probably not more than 5- but still he called me. But I am a girl so I am probably reading too much into it.
I miss my Derek. I miss ‘us’. I love him, I have from the first kiss in the hot tub at Mt Olympus on 5-23-12, at like 730ish at night. I can’t help it. He has meant the world to me for the last 755 days. I can’t stop thinking about him, missing him, loving him, dreaming about him. He is on my mind every minute of every day. I am working hard on making these changes he wants, changes that scare the shit out of me thanks to my anxiety, and I’m still trying to figure out if he will take me back. Yes, he says he will, but I am so scared that he won’t. That I might make myself sicker by making these changes and that nothing will even come of it. I’m so scared I will lose him to some stupid chick with no waist and back dimples and long hair whose book and car smart and that everyone loves to be around.
Why do I have to be such a mess? Why can’t I just be a normal person like everyone else?
Oh and I probably won’t get to see him all weekend either. Today is Friday and in a little bit I’m headed to Nordy’s to watch Konnor while she and John go out. Tomorrow is Saturday and apparently the entire Hightower clan is headed up to Mirror Lake again, including Derek. Sunday is Father’s day and I know Lizzi wants to see Daddy Derek. But she is also obligated to a few hours with Burger’s family- something I agreed to a month ago when things were still perfect It didn’t stop me from getting a card for Derek from Liz- she is still calling him daddy after all- but now I don’t know if we will even get the chance to give him the card from her and the one from me.
I HATE THIS BREAK UP! I just want to scream and cry and throw things. I want my man back, my sexy gorgeous man. I need him, I miss him. Lizzi misses him too. The rats miss him. Why cant we just be back together? Why must there be conditions included??
I feel really lame right now. Derek just left and I don’t have the words to explain how I feel.
I was so back and forth on emotions today with him coming over. I was so stressed over this ‘meetme’ app, and feeling inadequate. I wanted to cry and scream and throw a good old fashioned temper tantrum. I wanted to yell in his face, get back at him by updating my dating sites (that I haven’t touched in 5+years). I said I was going to the bar and just overall being stupid, trying to vent my emotions as they came. I was sooooo bipolar. And I still felt the same way when he showed up. But then he was here. And for that I was grateful.
He wasn’t even here 3 hours, yet every minute is etched in my mind for eternity. He got here shortly after 7, and I met him outside. We wound up going for a walk to Walgreens and then to Family Dollar- mom needed smokes and I needed chocolate sauce for the ice cream I bought last night. When we got back, mom was pulling the lasagna out of the oven- one of Derek’s favorite foods. We chowed on that, and then finally got to have the strawberry cheesecake I made yesterday. It was amazing- and best of all Derek loved it!
We went outside so he could have a smoke, and that’s when it started going downhill again- *A*, who doesn’t like me and thinks Derek is better off without me, wanted to hang out with Derek since her boyfriend had other plans. I know it’s a platonic relationship so that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that even though Derek and I had plans to play WiiU after eating, he left shortly after his smoke to hang out with her.
And yet… All these things happened that I want to share, scream from the rooftops; but yet I want to keep them to myself. Like the kiss he gave me, on the lips, on our way to Walgreens. Or how he said that he wants me to succeed, that he wants me back and misses me just as much. He told me he is scared of growing old, and that he’s scared of growing old alone. He touches my heart in so many ways.
It kills me inside to watch the love of my life walk down the stairs and leave me. I want to be going to sleep curled up next to him, not a pillow. I want to wake up to his gorgeous smile, not empty space. I want to start my days with a kiss and an ‘I love you’, and end them that way too.
He told me (again) to text him, but when he left his phone was at 1%. Anything I send him, he won’t see until after he gets home and plugs his phone in. This man, he has me wrapped around his fingers. I would literally do just about anything for him. He is my earth, my sun and my moon. He gives me reasons to do the stupid mundane day-in-n-out boring stuff. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself when I feel completely utterly worthless. He calms my anxiety. He cures my heartaches. He is so amazing and he doesn’t even know it.
I keep wishing and praying for this, but Lord please hear me again.
Help me repair what has broken, help me get past this anxiety issue
And become the hard working woman I was before. Help me earn his respect,
his love. Help me get back on track to being his girlfriend so I can become
his (official) fiancé, his wife, the future mother of his kids, the one he gets
to grow old with. I may not be your most faithful servant,
but please help. Amen.
Derek, I know I can text you and I know I can facebook you, but one day I pray you can read these blog/journal entries and understand what I am currently going through. I love you Derek. Your smile, exactly the way it is. The way your brown eyes turn green at times. The tender touch of your thumb on my hand. The amazing way you kiss me, the softness -yet firmness-of your lips. The love I can see radiating from your beautiful eyes. You drive me crazy D and you don’t even know.
I love you Derek, good night.
So Derek and I have broken up. As of 3AM on 6-6-14, I have been a single woman.
How do I feel, you ask? Im not really sure. I spent several hours crying uncontrollably. However, I have suspected this might happen for a few months now and so the action of it finally happening has me numb? Im not really sure how to describe how I feel. I mean, its only been 17 hours since the decision.
Altho I am not sure you could call it a decision. I recieved a text from him… it said :
“The only thing thats gonna fix everything is you gone. Im tired of your bs”
But then he did change his facebook status to single earlier this afternoon as well, which hit me hard but I was strong and didnt cry (surprisingly– and barely)
I am doing my best to work through this period in my life, and I just dont know what to do.
I feel lost and alone, I feel ok, I feel devastated, I feel happy. Thats the part that worries me. Ive been in a relatively good mood for the day, thanks to my friend Emily. Shes been keeping me busy, talking about all sorts of stuff thats random. And now she’s all down for going to Segrados, and Im seriously thinking about it. Why not take some time to do me, to worry bout my own shit, before surfacing back to the real world tomorrow?
Dont get me wrong, I love Derek with all my heart. But maybe this break is for the best? I might feel lost, but maybe I am swimming out to sea, to a whole new world.
Two years gone. Two years and lots of love. My daughter wondering where daddy is, why daddy isnt staying with us at Grama’s. My friends afraid to say the wrong thing. Friends who tell me im better off, friends who say he will come to his senses. My mom says that we are welcome to stay there, even tho theres not much space (which beats what my dad told me, but he’s a man and we know how they are). My sister and her girlfriend gave me hugs and waved off my apologies of waking them while moving in. My gal Nordy, who has my back but is helping Derek work thru his issues too. A dog, a cat and two rats. In two years we made quite a family. And yet, in just an hour, it went to hell in a hand basket.
I know Im kinda rambling, and Im sorry for that, but hey you are the one who stuck around. And I only got an hour of sleep last night so…
ok Im signing off now…