Saturday Blues

Today is Saturday. It’s been several days since I’ve seen Derek. Since Wednesday night actually. And I’m surviving! I can’t lie, I really miss him, a lot.

I’m excited because I have two job interviews on Tuesday and I am anxious for them as well.

I’m really scared though, because I’m living in the ‘what it’ mind set…

 

WHAT IF… I get these jobs, either both or only one, doesn’t matter… And he doesn’t take me back?

WHAT IF… I get these jobs and when he comes back for me, I’ve moved on?

WHAT IF… While I’m working on me, he hooks up with some other girl and falls for her, or knocks her up or what have you…

WHAT IF… What if I’m scared, I’m afraid, I’m hurt and unsure?

 

I feel like no matter what happens, it will be the wrong thing. I know he has friends that would prefer us not getting back together. I know that people have bad impressions of me because they have caught me on bad day or whatever. But quite honestly I think I am an amazing catch. Sure, I’m not some size 5 sexy lil thing- I’m a real woman who has left over baby fat and is slightly overweight. Whoopdeedo. I sit here and love this man sooooo much, do any and everything I can for him. I might not be the best person in the world but I try damn hard to be the best person for him.

I love this man sooooooo much and I feel that no one is rooting for us to work things out.

When I was 14, I imagined what it would be like one day, to be married and have kids, etc. I NEVER could imagine myself in a house wife role- making coffee for my hubby in the morning, packing lunches for the kids, making sure the house was picked up, etc. Hell, when I was 24 I STILL couldn’t imagine this at all. I figured I would never be married, I would never have this role. I couldn’t picture it at all. I couldn’t even fathom bending over backwards to make sure another adult was properly taken care of, that they had everything they needed to get through the day.

In walks Derek a few weeks before my 25th birthday. And within 4 months, I was living this life I had never been able to imagine. The things I never thought I could handle doing, I did for him. Laundry, dishes, meals, coffee, etc. All for him.

The last week without doing this, I have felt crazy lost and ill at ease. I should be there, folding his clothes and making sure he has smokes. I should be rubbing his shoulders and making him dinner/snacks. I know he can do these things on his own, but after he’s worked 10 hours and feels like shit because of his allergies, it’s a comfort to have help. I miss being able to do these things. I’m sure he hasn’t been eating well, and I hate not making dinner for him. I know he hasn’t been sleeping well- he told me himself- and quite frankly I have been tossing and turning too.

 I just keep praying for the ability to make it through this rough patch. If I cast my anxieties upon the Lord, He will help me through and help me succeed. I just wish it wasn’t so much work to make it through- although anything worth having doesn’t come easily.

 I love you Derek. You are my everything. Sweet dreams baby, feel better. ❤

Some catch up required…

My last post was Tuesday night after Derek came over and had dinner with us. Now it is Friday afternoon and so I must catch up with my thoughts…

Wednesday, after I was done watching Konnor, Derek picked me up to take me to Madison to pay my cell.  I wrote the following on the iPhone while he was driving:

“It kills me to not be able to lean over and touch him or kiss his cheek whiles he’s driving. These silences that were once so east to fill now feel so long and I hate that. I miss having my man in my life, I miss having him. I don’t even care about the sex- although I’ve never had it anything like he gives it- I just miss him and all the stuff we do and have done…. I’m super aware of every little touch, of the feeling of his arm against mine as he’s shifting the car. Or like his hands were full and so he had me hand feed him some sour gummy worms. My fingers, that close to his lips, was devastation. I wish he knew how it tears me up inside. I feel like I’m in knots… It kills me to try to make long term plans because I don’t know anything anymore. I used to have long term plans- a wedding, a couple Derek JR’s, love happiness… Now, I’m floating. I have no plans, no destination…”

We went to the mall where I took care of my cell bill. That taken care of, we walked around a little bit. We wound up at Spencer’s and by then I couldn’t hold back my tears and pain so I excused myself to the bathroom. When I came back, I noticed an employee totally flirting with him. He seemed ready to go so we headed out. He told me the employee wouldn’t leave him alone so he told her he was waiting for his girlfriend to come back from the bathroom. (Cue, me).  He says he didn’t even think about it, that it just came out that way. Just what I needed to hear, talk about adding insult to injury. We left the mall shortly afterwards. While we were still there, I tried to explain to him how I was having trouble deciphering the lines between us. It’s really hard for me to see them, because at some points it seems/feels like we are back together and at other times I feel like there is an ocean separating us. I don’t know if he understood what I was trying to say tho…

We got back to town, and he said he was still going to come over to play WiiU since we hadn’t gotten the chance to the night before. We got back to mom’s around 845/9PM. He came in and finished setting the system up while I made him some leftover lasagna. We played a few circuits on Mario Kart 8. In between races, he was messaging someone and I assumed it was *A*, but instead it was a way-long-ago-ex of his. Honestly, I found that to be pretty upsetting. I’m not sitting here messaging other ppl, trying to hang out with other guys or anything like that. I’m working on finding a job, looking for an apartment, and trying to get things back together with Derek. That’s my goal, point blank. I want my boyfriend back, I want my life back. I want US back dammit, is that so much to ask?

Anyways, he left around 10 or so. Before he left, I went to the bathroom and once again cried for like 10 minutes. He waited for me outside the bathroom door. After I was done, we walked downstairs so he could have a smoke. I started crying again down there. I just couldn’t seem to help it. He was talking to me but then couldn’t keep his own tears under control and we wound up crying together. He said he misses coming home and having Liz go all crazy because he was finally home, and that he missed all the little things I did for him- laundry and snacks and stupid things- and that he missed coming home to me the most. If he only knew how true this was for me too!

We heard a train and went and made wishes on change and put them on the tracks. He then insisted that he really had to go so he could get some sleep since he still wasn’t feeling good. He told me he loves me too though and that’s a good thing, right?

Well, yesterday was Thursday and we hardly texted. I was really down most of the day- I don’t know if the Zoloft is working so well for me now- and it was killing me not to get to talk/text/fb him. At some point, I realized that it had been the longest time I had gone without seeing him since he was in jail 2/13/13…. And I still haven’t seen him since he left here Wednesday night. (So about 42 hours). It’s killing me.

Anyways. I went for a walk and Katie kidnapped me and I really enjoyed that time away. She makes me laugh and reminds me that she’s been through worse and made it so it is totally realistic that I will make it through all of this too. I texted Derek goodnight when I went to bed at midnight, but like I said, we weren’t really texting. I sent 32 messages and only got 10 in return. And yes, I just counted. I’m weird, leave me alone. I used to count our kisses in the beginning of our relationship, although I have no idea why.

Today I skipped my typical good morning text. I didn’t want to bother him. I feel like I’m constantly bothering him. 6 messages sent but only 1 received. Although he did call me earlier which was cool. It was only a few minute convo- probably not more than 5- but still he called me. But I am a girl so I am probably reading too much into it.

I miss my Derek. I miss ‘us’. I love him, I have from the first kiss in the hot tub at Mt Olympus on 5-23-12, at like 730ish at night. I can’t help it. He has meant the world to me for the last 755 days. I can’t stop thinking about him, missing him, loving him, dreaming about him. He is on my mind every minute of every day. I am working hard on making these changes he wants, changes that scare the shit out of me thanks to my anxiety, and I’m still trying to figure out if he will take me back. Yes, he says he will, but I am so scared that he won’t. That I might make myself sicker by making these changes and that nothing will even come of it. I’m so scared I will lose him to some stupid chick with no waist and back dimples and long hair whose book and car smart and that everyone loves to be around.

Why do I have to be such a mess? Why can’t I just be a normal person like everyone else?

Oh and I probably won’t get to see him all weekend either. Today is Friday and in a little bit I’m headed to Nordy’s to watch Konnor while she and John go out. Tomorrow is Saturday and apparently the entire Hightower clan is headed up to Mirror Lake again, including Derek. Sunday is Father’s day and I know Lizzi wants to see Daddy Derek. But she is also obligated to a few hours with Burger’s family- something I agreed to a month ago when things were still perfect :/ It didn’t stop me from getting a card for Derek from Liz- she is still calling him daddy after all- but now I don’t know if we will even get the chance to give him the card from her and the one from me.

 

I HATE THIS BREAK UP! I just want to scream and cry and throw things. I want my man back, my sexy gorgeous man. I need him, I miss him.  Lizzi misses him too. The rats miss him. Why cant we just be back together? Why must there be conditions included??

A few moments inside craziness

I feel really lame right now. Derek just left and I don’t have the words to explain how I feel. 

I was so back and forth on emotions today with him coming over. I was so stressed over this ‘meetme’ app, and feeling inadequate. I wanted to cry and scream and throw a good old fashioned temper tantrum. I wanted to yell in his face, get back at him by updating my dating sites (that I haven’t touched in 5+years). I said I was going to the bar and just overall being stupid, trying to vent my emotions as they came. I was sooooo bipolar.  And I still felt the same way when he showed up. But then he was here. And for that I was grateful. 

He wasn’t even here 3 hours, yet every minute is etched in my mind for eternity. He got here shortly after 7, and I met him outside. We wound up going for a walk to Walgreens and then to Family Dollar- mom needed smokes and I needed chocolate sauce for the ice cream I bought last night. When we got back, mom was pulling the lasagna out of the oven- one of Derek’s favorite foods. We chowed on that, and then finally got to have the strawberry cheesecake I made yesterday. It was amazing- and best of all Derek loved it!

 We went outside so he could have a smoke, and that’s when it started going downhill again- *A*, who doesn’t like me and thinks Derek is better off without me, wanted to hang out with Derek since her boyfriend had other plans. I know it’s a platonic relationship so that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that even though Derek and I had plans to play WiiU after eating, he left shortly after his smoke to hang out with her. 

And yet… All these things happened that I want to share, scream from the rooftops; but yet I want to keep them to myself. Like the kiss he gave me, on the lips, on our way to Walgreens. Or how he said that he wants me to succeed, that he wants me back and misses me just as much. He told me he is scared of growing old, and that he’s scared of growing old alone. He touches my heart in so many ways. 

It kills me inside to watch the love of my life walk down the stairs and leave me. I want to be going to sleep curled up next to him, not a pillow. I want to wake up to his gorgeous smile, not empty space. I want to start my days with a kiss and an ‘I love you’, and end them that way too. 

He told me (again) to text him, but when he left his phone was at 1%. Anything I send him, he won’t see until after he gets home and plugs his phone in. This man, he has me wrapped around his fingers. I would literally do just about anything for him. He is my earth, my sun and my moon. He gives me reasons to do the stupid mundane day-in-n-out boring stuff. He makes me smile, he makes me laugh. He makes me feel good about myself when I feel completely utterly worthless. He calms my anxiety. He cures my heartaches. He is so amazing and he doesn’t even know it.

 

I keep wishing and praying for this, but Lord please hear me again.

Help me repair what has broken, help me get past this anxiety issue

And become the hard working woman I was before. Help me earn his respect,

his love. Help me get back on track to being his girlfriend so I can become

his (official) fiancé, his wife, the future mother of his kids, the one he gets

to grow old with. I may not be your most faithful servant,

but please help. Amen.

 

 

Derek, I know I can text you and I know I can facebook you, but one day I pray you can read these blog/journal entries and understand what I am currently going through. I love you Derek. Your smile, exactly the way it is. The way your brown eyes turn green at times. The tender touch of your thumb on my hand. The amazing way you kiss me, the softness -yet firmness-of your lips. The love I can see radiating from your beautiful eyes. You drive me crazy D and you don’t even know.

 

I love you Derek, good night.

Lost and Alone

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So Derek and I have broken up. As of 3AM on 6-6-14, I have been a single woman.

 

How do I feel, you ask? Im not really sure. I spent several hours crying uncontrollably. However, I have suspected this might happen for a few months now and so the action of it finally happening has me numb? Im not really sure how to describe how I feel. I mean, its only been 17 hours since the decision.

Altho I am not sure you could call it a decision. I recieved a text from him… it said :

“The only thing thats gonna fix everything is you gone. Im tired of your bs”

 

But then he did change his facebook status to single earlier this afternoon as well, which hit me hard but I was strong and didnt cry (surprisingly– and barely)

 

I am doing my best to work through this period in my life, and I just dont know what to do.

 

I feel lost and alone, I feel ok, I feel devastated, I feel happy. Thats the part that worries me. Ive been in a relatively good mood for the day, thanks to my friend Emily. Shes been keeping me busy, talking about all sorts of stuff thats random. And now she’s all down for going to Segrados, and Im seriously thinking about it. Why not take some time to do me, to worry bout my own shit, before surfacing back to the real world tomorrow?

 

Dont get me wrong, I love Derek with all my heart. But maybe this break is for the best? I might feel lost, but maybe I am swimming out to sea, to a whole new world. 

 

Two years gone. Two years and lots of love. My daughter wondering where daddy is, why daddy isnt staying with us at Grama’s. My friends afraid to say the wrong thing. Friends who tell me im better off, friends who say he will come to his senses. My mom says that we are welcome to stay there, even tho theres not much space (which beats what my dad told me, but he’s a man and we know how they are). My sister and her girlfriend gave me hugs and waved off my apologies of waking them while moving in. My gal Nordy, who has my back but is helping Derek work thru his issues too. A dog, a cat and two rats. In two years we made quite a family. And yet, in just an hour, it went to hell in a hand basket.

 

I know Im kinda rambling, and Im sorry for that, but hey you are the one who stuck around. And I only got an hour of sleep last night so… 

 

ok Im signing off now…

Brynleigh Lousie

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Above you see a baby, apparently named Brynleigh. And so she is named as such.

This gorgeous lil thing is my god-daughter. My sweet lil angel, who we fought for, prayed for, and raced around for. The sweetest thing, that almost cost her momma her life, who wanted to know what life had to offer 5 months early. Who is loved by just about everyone who has net her. This baby, her mother’s last baby.

Brynleigh Lousie was born March 27th, at 358 AM. She weighed 7lbs, 7oz. She was 19 1/2 inches long.

I got to witness her birth, there from day 1 with her mom, the one person she could turn to for support through the pregnancy.

My sweet angel…

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Today she turned 1. ONE whole year old. Since mom moved, I couldnt spend the day with her, but I thought of her.

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Brooklyn, Konnor, Lizzi, Brent JR, Brynleigh (3 months)

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Myself and Brynleigh, 6 months

Below is her 1yr picture. Forgive her, she doesnt feel well. She had surgery less than a week ago (tubes). She is still in that recovery stage lol.

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Brynleigh, 1 yr old

Happy birthday, gorgeous!

My reason for Celebration on 3/17/14

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Monday was St Patrick’s Day as many of you know. A day of boozing it up, wearing green, partying hard and a great excuse to eat green eggs or drink green beer. Millions of people go out to celebrate this holiday.

But did you know that St Patrick’s Day is a day of observance for those in Ireland? The 17th of March is the date that St Patrick died. Also, his color of choice was BLUE, not green! Oh, and the 4-leaf clover? Not the symbol of Ireland, which is a harp! Corned beef and cabbage? Not even an Irish dish! And research shows there were no snakes in Ireland, so the little known fact of him scaring all snakes out of Ireland is moot. Hell, historians believe that Patrick was NOT Irish either.

Let me guess, I just ruined the holiday for you, huh?

Well, the holiday means more to me than just a day to get drunk. The 17th of March is also now the day that a very dear friend of mine gave birth to her first child!

Carrie and I go way back, and I mean WAY back. I very distinctly remember a 3rd grader (wearing a purple horse sweatshirt) coming up to my 4th grade self, asking if I could punch her brother who was in my grade. Couldn’t have a better first memory, Carebear ❤

Fast forward to high school, where we started actually hanging out more.  Carrie was the one who took me to Culvers for every pregnancy craving (MMMMMM Strawberry cooler, anyone?). Carrie took over my spot at my job while I was on maternity leave. Carrie has ALWAYS had my back, and I hers.

A few years ago, we had a falling out. I’ve been mourning this breakup pretty constantly. I mean, I was supposed to be the “Bitch of Honor) (aka the maid of honor) at her wedding. My child one day was to babysit hers (let’s face it, Liz is only 6 and a tad young for that still, but how we dreamed). All the times at Perkins, Dominos, Culvers, the mall… Carrie’s (bad) driving… birthday parties and get togethers, trips to the bar, drunk pictures, monopoly (while drinking), rum, nervous breakdown. I love this girl and all my memories of us. Losing her was like losing my arm.

I was very excited when I heard the announcement via the grapevine that she had gotten pregnant. She had a medical condition about 3-4 years ago that reduced her chances of becoming pregnant. I still regret not being there more for her then, but when situations get life-threating-serious, I seem to clam up and hide. Don’t know why, just do :/ Anyways, I lived to hear the smallest update, I wanted to know it all! When they announced that it was a boy, I was excited for them. One day, Erich mentioned name possibilities on FB. I was reminded of a conversation we had all had once, concerning baby names of future children, where Erich insisted that Wolfgang Amadeus was a strong German name (to match his last name). At the time, Carrie and I were a tad concerned, but after 6 years, the name kinda grows on you. So on one of his posts, I reminded him of that long ago conversation. Then I put it out of my head.

Quite obviously, I wasn’t invited to her baby shower- and I wasn’t really expecting to be either, I mean we weren’t talking so why invite me?? But I felt compelled to buy her a gift. So I did, a few days later. It wasn’t much, some baby wipes, some travel bottles of Johnson’s products for the diaper bag, and a couple boxes of Girl Scout cookies. But I was hoping it would send the message that I was happy for her and Erich.

Well, said baby gift sat in my truck, wrapped and ready to deliver, for a few weeks. On this past Monday, St Patrick’s Day, I was out looking for “for rent” signs and happened into her parents’ neighborhood. Quite impulsively, I decided to drop the gift off. I mean, it was just sitting in the back of my truck, seemingly staring me in the face every time I checked the rearview mirror. I pulled into the driveway, walked it up to the door, and left it. Thankfully it was a nice day out.

An hour later, Konnor and I landed at a McDonalds. I connected to the Wi-Fi and heard the news that Erich and Carrie were hospital bound via Facebook. A funny thought went thru my head—wasn’t it ironic that I had dropped the baby gift off today? I made myself giggle. An hour or so after that, it was confirmed she was actually in fact in labor, and that baby was on his way.

When I dropped Konnor off to his mom, she was telling me how the labor was progressing (she is the lucky lil newborn’s aunt after all, so she should know what’s going on lol). I couldn’t help but feel angry and jealous of her knowledge, but reality kicked in and reminded me I had lost that privilege when Carrie and I had our falling out. The whole way home to Portage from Madison, I was fighting tears- I felt that I should be there for her. It was killing me to know she was going through all that labor entails and I couldn’t be there for her. I’m ashamed to admit I was quite jealous of others and their proximity to the process which she was going through.

I realized that the way I was feeling was probably EXACTLY the same way she felt almost 7 years ago, when I was in labor and we didn’t call her (she was at work, I didn’t want to interrupt that!). Of course, that just made me feel like a shittier person/friend, and regret decisions I had made then. For instance, Carrie by all rights should have been Lizzi’s godmother. But for whatever reason, I gave Liz a godfather, which turned out to be a major mistake as we don’t have anything to do with him and haven’t for 2+ years now. Essentially, my child has no god parents. But she should have had this woman for a godmother.

Anyways, I headed home. And a few hours later, at 645 PM, little Wolfgang Oskar was born. On St Patrick’s Day. With a lucky birthdate as such, he should be one of the luckiest little boys around. He was 8 lbs even (How do you keep guessing those weights exactly Amanda??).

Well, along came Tuesday. I picked Konnor up and we did our normal routine- McDonalds for unstructured playtime. I sat here (coincidently enough we are doing this same activity right now lol), working on my Girl Scout parent memo, but couldn’t put Carrie or the new baby out of my mind. A mutual friend of ours had brought me flowers in the hospital when I had liz, but since that friend is no longer with us, she couldn’t do the same for Carrie, which I know she would have had she been here. So I decided that I was going to get her some flowers. Konnor and I headed towards Madison and stopped at Felly’s (when the hell did Flowerama go out of biz???). It was easy to pick the carnations, but finding a vase that would be reusable was harder- they had all these ornate things that I just couldn’t see Carrie using. Or else they were in hideous colors… Or girly colors… Finally I asked if they had any just plain glass vases, and she took us back to the store room where they apparently hide the boring and plain items lol. But a simple glass vase was all I wanted, I was looking for a simple clean look.

Add in a quick stop to Walgreens for a card, some ribbon and a stuffed animal (I chose a bunny). Went back out to the truck and headed off towards Meriter. I admit, I was quite chicken. I didn’t know if I would be welcomed or not. Part of me was all for just dropping the flowers and whatnot off at the info desk on the maternity floor and just dipping. But then I couldn’t pass along the message I wanted to give, the reason I had bought the flowers in the first place. I sat in the truck for probably a half hour, getting the flowers ready and working up my nerve. I was extremely nervous, no doubt about that!

Konnor and I walked into the hospital, got the room number and parking validation ticket, and headed to the north bank of elevators. It struck me as we were walking that it had been just shy of a year since I had been here last, from when my god-daughter Brynleigh was born (3/27/13). We rode up the elevators. I figured I had gotten this far, might as well finish the deed, right?

The attendant buzzed us through the doors. We walked down to Carrie’s room where we knocked and awaited admittance—I was damn near shaking from anxiety. Erich opened the door and I asked if “this was going to be a problem”—aka my being there/visiting. He said no, and I got to see Carrie for the first time in over a year- probably about 18 months. And I got to meet Wolfgang as well.

I handed her the flowers, and said “Sarah brought me flowers when I had Liz, and she would have done the same for you but she’s not here anymore so I brought them for her”. I was in tears as I said this (and Im not a crying sort of person!!).

To make a long story shorter for ya, we talked some, I got to hold the baby J I was up at the hospital for about 45 minutes, and those were very bittersweet moments for me. Baby fever kicked in, but I dismissed it (Derek and I will get there eventually). I apologized to Carrie, told her how I had felt while knowing she was in labor, and then explained how I felt bad for making her go thru that 7 years ago. She told me that none of it mattered, what mattered was that I was here now.  The flood of emotions that went thru me as she said that is pretty indescribable.

But reconciliation can and is an amazing thing, and I have nothing but positive thoughts about future times. Love you Carrie.

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Information Credits:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/14/brutally-honest-st-patricks-day-facts_n_4957861.html